Why I've been a Recluse of late.  

Posted by Megan Moulos in , , , ,

This is how our dog, Machete, sleeps. Demented.
This is a bit Q_Q so don't give me shit. This is the stuff I feel comfortable telling the world:

I quit the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale a few months ago. It was one of the best choices I have ever made. I greatly miss the few wonderful people I had the opportunity to befriend, but for me, the school was the equivalent of setting fire to thousands of dollars. AI might be great for someone learning a new field, or someone fresh out of high school. If you have any sort of prior knowledge or a degree above an AA, DO NOT ATTEND! It would have saved me a lot of time, money, and heartbreak if I had listened to my buddies who had also been screwed by AI in the same way.

ANYWAY, the job market in South Florida sucks, especially if you are looking for any sort of creative arts job. I decided that returning to Brooklyn to finish the few credits left of my Masters would be the logical choice. I talked to some people at Pratt and was easily re-admitted without having to fight bureaucracy. School letting you be in school? What nonsense!

I then started calling some contacts in New York City and Brooklyn. An old friend (Milt you my boy!) passed my portfolio along to an amazing design firm and landed me a solid interview. I have since been offered other positions and interviews in the NYC area. Back here, the company I work for downsized and cut my hours to 8 per week, and freelance is hard to come by when everyone fears the mighty "economy".

With all that being said, I am terrified to move back to NYC. Although living there had it's amazing high points and perks, my first experience living there alone ended terribly. I was living in a Brooklyn ghetto that January. The worst part of my life in NYC was missing my family. I am retardedly close with my family. I speak to my mom and dad every single day. I call my Nana at least once a week, and see almost everyone weekly. Moving to NYC sort of cut my umbilical cord (gross) and I experienced some sort of messed up reversed empty nest syndrome. I had a terrible boyfriend who I stuck with because he was emotionally abusive. I honestly believed that if I ever left him no one would date me again. I found it hard to make friends in that controlling environment. One day Greg (the aforementioned asshole) had packed his things and moved to Berlin (I never, to this day, saw him again) leaving me alone in an apartment with a flu.

I was going to Pratt and living totally alone for the first time. I hadn't made many friends, and the flu became pneumonia and bronchitis. I was terribly sick and was having panic attacks because I believed I was going to die alone in my empty apartment. My parents would sit on Skype with me for hours to make sure I was okay. When I went to the clinic, they immediately hooked IV's of fluids to me, and recommended I be sent to a hospital. My puppy, little Milo, was home alone so I needed to be back to him as often as possible. By the end of February, I was in a deep depression, still sick, and having debilitating panic attacks every few hours. It wasn't a hard decision to quit school and come home to my family at that point. Even thinking back on that time makes me nervous.

After coming home I was a changed girl for a couple months. I was terrified to do anything. The combination of being so sick and so utterly alone had made me hermetic and introverted. I didn't want to panic ever again. Just a few years earlier I jumped on a plane to Germany alone to backpack Europe, and now I was in my parent's house, hiding in my brother's old room playing Guitar Hero alone. I had lost hope in a big way. I connected with some old friends, like Jade Henderson, who I can never thank enough for helping me get back to my normal ridiculous self.

Once I was pretty much back to normal, Ben came back into my life. We hadn't seen each other since he was my middle school crush. We have been attached at the hip since our first date. The decision to move or not to move has been tough on both of us. Ben will have to give up school, and we both will be leaving our families and many friends here. But NY has great opportunities, and I think will be better suited to provide for our future with a Masters. The choice has been difficult on me. I have been depressed and overly stressed, and somehow have gotten the flu.

If we do stay in south Florida, Ben can finish his degree at FAU, and I might begin an online or brick and mortar business. I have a ton of details worked out that I'm not prepared to share yet. My family will be close by, which is a HUGE selling point for staying. Yet I fear that if I don't return to grad school now, I may never do it. It's hard to get back into the swing of graduate school. The study/paper mindset doesn't come overnight.

Also, I set up this little X-Mas tree today. It makes me happy :)
I still don't know which choice is the right one. I'm terrified to make the incorrect choice. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this hot mess written up at 1:30 in the morning, but I'm unemployed so whatevs.

So there you have it. I'm scared. But I also don't accept failure as my future. Whatever happens, let's all have another taco party, ok?

This entry was posted on Monday, November 22, 2010 at 2:10 AM and is filed under , , , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

0 Holla'd back

Post a Comment